Tag: Self-Discovery

I have no great war, no big enemy. My war is with the self. I only go to my version of “war” a few times a year. It’s the extremes of a day, that’s drawn out with no sleep, where I am tested against the elements. The battlefield are mountains, but I don’t fight other men, I run with them against a common enemy, the clock and the course. This war is man made, I wasn’t drafted, I signed up under my own will in my Ultra War, I had a choice. Ultras are a war with self, between the person you are, and who you want to become. A testament to better the self through a process of pushing limits.

“”I judge you unfortunate because you have never lived through misfortune. You have passed through life without an opponent, no one can ever know what you are capable of, not even you.”

Many take up arms against what seems like a noble cause of completing an ultra, and don’t make it. Wounded, they are casualties of blisters, GI issues, a host of things that could take you out. Some need this test they need these extremes to see if the idea that’s in their mind matches what their body can achieve. Races are senseless violence against the self. Just a few months ago, the previous version of me was browsing Ultrasignup and decided to enlist. Sent off to war with a foe of varying degrees. I curse this person as I make my way through the mud, rain, and dirt of this foreign land. I have to make sense of it. I have to find my why with my fellow ultra comrades as we battle the course. Why do we do this to ourselves? What are we hoping to find in an ultra war?

“The important thing about a problem is not its solution, but the strength we gain in finding the solution.”

Those athletes made a wager: do I think this version of me is strong enough? Without training, one won’t have the strength to take on the enemy on foreign soil. It’s a gamble every single time, and every race we answer the ultimate question: “Am I enough?” Even when we succeed, that glory is never long. After every finish line they bestow upon you a medal of honor around your neck or belt. Like an admiral who’s seen many battlefields, we want the glory and honor that goes with calling ourselves ultra, but we keep coming back to prove our worth. Why?

While I write this in jest, I still can’t get my mind around what actual soldiers and military personnel do, and had to do, back when the war was active. It’s hard to get into their mindset, and maybe a lot of that is they didn’t have a full picture of what it would be like. I think most don’t know how bad things can get before they sign up for these events. It’s both scary and exciting, much like war could be, but this is a joke compared to the horrors of war. I’ve worked with athletes who have a lot of fear about what it’s going to feel like. It’s the limits that people want to touch, the edge of how far they have gone. It’s a calling to be tested.

You are enlightened by suffering not successes.

Like those of the past who were called up to fight for their country many didn’t have a choice, as they were drafted I am one that seeks that excitement. That’s what sends me off to war with a course, and self. They are not drastically different, in that men and women want to make something of their lives, and in whatever way they choose to do it, for those who volunteer. The soldiers of WWI and WWII often did not have a choice, as many were drafted, but some enlisted. I have no great war, and no clearly defined enemy. I sit here celebrating the fruit of their labor and sacrifice. I get to choose my enemy, but I still have to put in the training. It’s the idea that my enemy is always out there, getting strong, and if I don’t rise to the level needed to face them, I will DNF on the battlefield but I will always come home. That is where this comparison ends. They never knew if they would. 

With an ultra, you WILL make it back, but you are FOREVER changed. It will expose you to extremes we do not face in our day-to-day lives. This was a reality for people fighting on the front. Our ultra war is a joke compared to what they experienced, and I am not trying to compare it to actual combat. This is just the closest analogy I have for the extremes of sleep deprivation, hunger, and pain. It’s something they had to deal with day in and day out, for years. Those are true heroes and hardcore individuals who could stand that and serve, every day, for days on end.

I am not trying to romanticize war, just the act of bringing yourself to your limit. There is honor in that. Not all of us can fight for our country. That doesn’t make me or you any less of a man or woman. The importance of an ultra is finding your limit, finding what you are afraid of most, and facing it head on. It opens your eyes to what you can do in times of despair, and gives you strength you never knew you had. Some break, some do not, but all come back different. I encourage you to go to war with the self, to find your limit, and to never stop fighting. Don’t give up an inch of the ground you’ve gained in progress toward strengthening what you THINK you are capable of. If you don’t, how will you ever know what you are capable of? It’s better to pass through life with an opponent.

Smile, you get to grow old, you get to choose your hard, when many men and women caught up in war did not. I am grateful I get to choose my hard, not because I was drafted into it. Happy 4th of July, I celebrate our freedom, our independence. 250 years! Forever grateful to all the men and women who gave the ultimate sacrifice so we can all live in this amazing country.

My writings are just some of my random thoughts. No, I do not think running an ultra is the same as going to war. This was a creative writing piece, so treat it as such. Thanks for reading! Happy 4th of July!

My current mindset has been inspired from listening to Dan Carlin, and watching the WW2 documentary on history.com featuring Tom Hanks.